Yeah, me… HI!
So, a lot has been going on lately. And honestly, I really haven’t had it in me to post about it. For the past two weeks I haven’t even logged on to my blog once to see how my stats were going, if I had any new followers, create a draft, nothing, NADA!
But this morning a person I have only briefly met once, sent me a beautiful passage out of the blue and for some reason, I felt like writing this blog post today (thank you Sarah). I’m not exactly sure what I plan on writing about, only vague ideas, but nevertheless… here we go!
The last couple of weeks for me have been a constant back and forth battle. A period of time that consisted only of complete negativity towards myself (mentally and emotionally) and a 2 week stint that involved me repeating the words ‘I give up’ & ‘I simply cant do this anymore’ more times than I can count. I don’t know exactly what changed. Perhaps it was because I am in an extreme calorie deficit at the moment and my workload has increased (probably the most obvious reasons, duh)… but every single day for the past two weeks, I found myself dealing with internal issues that absolutely exhausted me.
I would get into a state of mind and I would stay there for hours on end. “Why am I doing this to my body?” “What is the freakin point of this” “How did I get here?”… Just like that, my head would drop and I would wave my white flag to surrender.
One Sunday when I was at work, I got an overwhelming feeling to just speak to my Mum… something that never happened the last time I decided to prep because I didn’t let anyone else in on the process. She came in, we got a coffee, I shed some tears (some meaning a lot), let it all out and she basically told me I had two options (which I already knew but it helps to hear someone else say it), A: throw in the towel and we can just go up and watch OR B: focus on the next three weeks for me again…
What do you think I did?
So grateful for this lady ^
I thought about a lot after that conversation and something extreme shifted mentally. I realized that even though the past few weeks were extremely tough, not once did I miss a session. The whole prep in fact, I had not missed one single session… regardless of my long work hours, regardless of my energy levels, regardless of the countless conversations with people where I would repeat “this is just not for me”.
And that in itself spoke on new levels for me. Levels that pushed me to realize just how well I am actually doing…
I left work that day and I went to the gym and had one of the best sessions I could recall. I can’t explain it, but something felt right about this process again. I decided for the remainder of this prep that I would choose to take control of each day instead of just going through the notions. I would focus on how I was actually feeling and make changes if necessary. I would focus on the training again and last but not least, focus on the little things that rest my body at the end of the day.
This has not been easy. This has not been enjoyable every single day. This has not been something I would commit myself to year round. BUT… This has been the most eye opening experience into myself and my bodies capabilities to date. This has been a really big achievement for me and THIS has been something that regardless of my placing, I’m pretty darn proud of for sticking out and getting up on that bright stage!
So, hi there, remember me? The positive Schae, the funny Schae, the balanced (but a little bit off balanced) Schae, yeah, I’m back. And you can bet I am going to kick the next 10 days ass, for me, on my terms again…
“You may not be great when you start, but you have to start to be great.
They may have all of the knowledge, all of the tools, all of the resources… there be could be an army behind them, carrying them on their back, holding their hand, and wiping their ass along the way… they could have all of the firepower in the world…
But firepower needs to be ignited…
And those that learn to ignite themselves, even when it seems like its impossible because if feels like you’re drowning in a sea of doubt, of impossibilities, of broken dreams, are the ones who will carry the flame for others to follow to help them light their fire.
You need to find your ignition, use the pain, the happiness, the frustration, the visions and ignite yourself…
Because before you start shining, you’re going to need to burn.” – Sarah Willox
All my love,
Schae X
my life in balance 