Ladies and gents, I have your backs… (and butts).
1. When you buy a pair of tights, before you actually wear them to a squat session in peak hour, go to three different types of lighting and do a ‘Bend & Snap’ – multiple times. Repeat every time you enter Lorna Jane. Ya hear me, boys?
LuLu’s are the bomb.com
2. If you wear a like, quarter see through pair (acceptable on days you ain’t dropping it low or performing an interpretative dance mid set), be an underwear #basicbitch… Basically the only time you can justify being one.
3. Suss out people before you ask them to spot you, ESPECIALLY if you’re a girl who lifts heavy weights/powerlifts. This means avoiding the bro’s who pretty much curl their training partners weight (hot tip: they come in abundance in commercial gyms – easy to spot from lack of nip coverage and loud ‘I’m a little constipated’ grunts).
Or just train at PTC everyday and get a guaranteed good spot…
4. On that note, if you’re a chicky babe who loads the bench up to something that guys would consider ‘heavy’, firstly – good for you and secondly, don’t poop your pants if you A: see a random head pop above the bench mid set, B: have the words “Are you sure?” muttered at you a million times by at least 6 different males or C: have them basically circle your bench like you are prey and they are damn hungry. Simply fist pump them, put on your gangsta voice and be like “brah, totes got dis.” – exactly those words, then make sure you get the rep and look them dead in the eyes.
5. You know that random forklift thing at the front of the deadlift platform that looks like its used for something… Surprise, it is. You pop that under the bar, it lifts it up and you can put your weights on without sharting in the process. K? *MIND FREAKIN BLOWN*
6. If you didn’t get this already from point #3 – You will see a lot of guy nips. Singlets are only suitable if they cover jusssst the centre of your body, apparently.
7. Every so often a guy will just train in skins. Super weird. Super uncomfortable. Super I CAN SEE EVERYTHING PLZ FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PUT SOME SHORTS ON. Ronnie Coleman & Steve Cook excluded.
8. Girls train in makeup… You can get over this now and delete that Facebook status you’re about to post about how girls who have their hair done and wear makeup don’t do shit. Holla girl, I will deadlift you and brush my hair afterwards if I want too.
9. There are these things called ‘clips’ and they clip your weight on the bar, funnily enough. If you bench by yourself (thanks for this one Myffy), do not, I repeat, DO NOT, clip both sides if you are going heavy/don’t have a spot. Otherwise prepare to shimmy like Shakira down the bench. But you probably won’t look hot like her doing so.
10. People smell. You probably smell pretty badly after your session as well. If people are literally avoiding you or leaving a 3m gap every time they walk next to you, read next point.
11. DEODORANT, 24/7, 365, pal. Legit a life requirement.
… Just in case…
12. Most people are actually really into themselves and 99% of the time they are probably just looking in your general direction thinking about how their biceps are like, totes growing from the fully sick pump. Don’t take it to heart/personally if someone stares.
13. Yes, this means they probably don’t have a crush on you regardless of how #onpoint your gym attire is.
14. Lol nearly forgot, you will also see lots of girl nips through their shirts, especially if they have enhancements. The struggle is so damn real.
15. Have fun, always. You shouldn’t care what people think if you genuinely enjoy your training because they aren’t doing it, you are. And that goes both ways. Stop judging others for what they do in their hour at the gym – Deadlift to one armed handstand hammy curls and all. (If you can do that, do you want to hang out? You sound cool).
Forever in love with box jumps regardless of the space I take up…
Now, what would you tell people about the gym that no one ever mentioned but probably (definitely) should have?
Love the sometimes basic, other times not basic at all,
Wonder Woman panty wearing Schae (only under my LuLu’s though),